RÉQUIEM TO A SUICIDE

PART I
― Valentino…
“Valentino is my name… It was the first Word I hear when I awaked… I wish: having not awaked! Because, I don’t want to live any more! I don’t have any reason for doing it! I’m in a desperate and terrible situation, which is destroying me!”
“I always got all what money could buy: voyages, drugs, alcohol, sex, luxuries… I have had everything without doing anything for deserving it”.
“I’m nineteen years old and I have experienced all that a normal person would live in two lives… I don’t have any reason for living. For this reason, I have decided: to commit suicide”.
“I have tried it several times without success and for it: I’m prostrated in a bed of the city’s best clinic, with my body paralyzed. I’m a paralytic! I can’t move! I’m inside an useless body. I don’t have any hope, I’m just a head that hears, sees, speaks, breathes and eats pap”.
“Being in bed, alone, looking at the walls, I have understood what loneliness is: you hear the sound of silence, you feel an empty space in your heart, without having any body; you feel like doing nothing, it is like to be nowhere, without strength like if you were not alive. You feel a desire to cry, shout and you feel that you are going crazy, that you have a momentary madness you can’t control yourself”.
“I’m here… alone, without having anything to do, during days that seem eternal, trying to think, repressed by custom and nuisance… now with more strength, I have decided… to try it again: I will finish my life”.
“I imagine my father organizing my funeral, dressed in black, with dark eyeglasses, posing for the photos of any newspaper that will announce my death”.
“The whole high social class will be at my funeral: they will cry for me. Beautiful wreaths of flowers, will adorn my tomb; and a sad and sweet Requiem will be dedicated to this boy who committed suicide”.
***
“I have a nurse to my disposition, she brings me pap everyday and she changes my clothes and cleans me. She is the only person I see. My father doesn’t have time to visit me… I have no family, only him; and now, I have no friend either”.


PART II

“I have many months here, and I had tried killing myself in a thousand ways: holding my breath, I have tried to swallow the spoon of pap, I have stopped eating… but, I haven’t reached my goal”.
“How can I commit suicide if I can’t even move? I’m resigned to live this way forever, It’s my destiny, perhaps, any day; I will be able to move and I will continue living my life”…
“I have begun to eat again, the nurse bring me pap everyday. Today, she is very kind with me. She opens my mouth and she puts one spoon of complete insipid mess in it and I only have to swallow it”.
“I hadn’t realized; she has wonderful eyes; I had been used to her presence, while she puts one spoon of pap in my mouth, I can’t stop looking at her…”
“I have my mouth full of pap and I don’t know why? It’s difficult for me to swallow it! It’s stuck in my throat! I can’t breathe; I will try to vomit it! I can’t… I don’t want to die! I have begun to suffocate with my own vomit that goes out through my mouth and my nose. I can’t breathe… I die! I love: life… and I don’t want to die…”

THE END